update on me - i know it has been awhile.
i come to a new blog post, to all my blogging friends i have neglected, with a very broken and heavy heart.
i miss ALL of you so much. i know that i have been and am in a blogging circle not like others, a circle of strong Christian women, (and nathan :) that will surround me in prayer and love,
no matter how long i have been idle.
(i am praying in someway that my journey over the past 5 months will minister to someones' heart) -
so here goes...
i am admit-tingly a 'idol threatener', especially when someone is hurting me. i attempt to put forth setting a boundary, yet, i am nearly always overcome with, 'feeling bad' or 'forgiveness'. i truly want to believe and see only the best in others, especially those i love with all my heart. i am a second, third, fourth, fifth, umpteenth chance-giver, i have a huge heart for 'mistake makers', 'the underdog' and anyone that is viewed or judged as 'low on the totem pole'. (like me.)
i have been hurt over and over and over by taking those who have hurt me before 'back in' believing that 'this time' they won't hurt me or take advantage of my heart.
it's like i take stray animals in, wanting to nurture and help them, and by doing this, i may have thought i was doing good, but i very much let others take advantage of my heart and life.
however...God has just recently brought me to a new level that i have had to gradually get to, truthfully a place i have NEVER been, to where i am having to force myself to say, "enough is enough", i can no longer let you destroy any more of my heart. this is so against my grain of the core of who i am.
i want to give one more chance, and love with all my heart.
i posted several weeks ago that 'if you told me a year ago, that i would be where i am today with the condition of my heart and life i would have never believed you'.
the sad and unfortunate thing is that i am having to do this to one of the individuals
outside of God that i love most in this world.
eventually everyone will know, (those close to me already do).
i have made many many mistakes in the role i have been in with this individual, but have spent the past 5 months on my knees, asking God and this individual for grace, mercy and most of all forgiveness. i have also had to face forgiving many things that i never thought i would have to.
i have also spent the past 5 months 'changing me'. doing all i can to look at every aspect of my life, character, behavior, actions, and making God the center of my world.
i have done all i can to 'make up for my past mistakes', mend, reconcile and prove my love to this individual, however it has done nothing but succeeded in having me further criticized, broken-hearted, saddened, ignored, de-prioritized and feeling worthless...ALL things that an individual who loves you unconditionally, should NEVER do...but i am guilty of making these mistakes, so one may think that this is well-deserved towards me.
i have also, begged, bought things, written things, given gifts, been at a beckon call, answering ever call, email, text at the drop of a hat, hoping and praying to 'win back' the love and commitment of this person. as good, sweet and kind as this all may sound, all it has done is further the division....not by my choice.
advice experts say in order to 'win someone back you love', you must 'ignore them', 'make yourself unavailable', 'treat them as if you don't care'....yah well, i just can't do this to someone i love so much. if i love, i show it, even if somewhere in that love journey i screw up. i still love, without conditions, even though i may not show it at times i am 'making mistakes'. if 'i love you', i ALWAYS will. period. i believe and know that life is too short to spend wasted time showing someone that you 'don't love them, or care for them' in order to 'win them back. you either 'do' or you 'don't'.
so the 'moral of my story' is....
i have to change and 'turn off' my love for this one individual so that my broken heart
will not be devastated more.
i have to stop putting forth efforts and actions of love for someone that i committed to love my entire life.
i have to 'quit', and i am not a quitter.
i am sharing all of this on my blog, twitter and facebook, because many of you have been in my life and have seen my joy of life over the past numerous years. over the past several months, i have cried more and hurt more than i EVER have in my entire life and i wanted my loved ones and precious blogging friends to know that this may be why you have heard very little from me over the past several months, and i am so sorry.
i emotionally and physically cannot do anymore for what i desire to heal
with this individual i love with all of my heart.
i am at the end of my rope.
i deserve consequences for my mistakes, and i am accountable.
i don't know about everyone else's God, but mine is forgiving, everyday.
and this is a good thing for me, because 'everyday' i am going to need to be forgiven.
if God can forgive me, surely, someone that is supposed to love me with all their heart and soul can,
i would hope.
my past mistakes include changing many of my ways. letting go of the controls and fears. realizing that everything being perfect in my home, heart and life is 'no big deal'. if the sink remains full of dishes over night, there is nothing wrong with it. stressing out or bickering over petty small things that will be forgotten tomorrow is completely unnecessary. time is the greatest gift you can give to someone you love
...just to name a few.
and what about the mistakes/hurts of the individual that is breaking my heart?
well they go pretty much un-noticed, because the primary focus is on 'me' and all i have done to make things so awful and the individual that has walked away from me, and because this individual
now has the 'upper hand' because i have apparently committed so much 'against' them,
that i don't register on their radar any longer for a thing,
not even with the good changes i am making in my life.
now i face the road of treating this individual as they have been treating me for the past numerous months, as if they mean nothing, that i don't love them, pretending they don't exist, are very unimportant to me and ignoring them. all so i will not be hurt any further. how on earth do i do this,
when i am not truthfully feeling this way?!
my only answer is God. leaning on him.
airing my 'dirty laundry' on my blog and facebook?? no.
i have not name-dropped, or even given a tip of the iceberg of all that has happened.
i am just updating those i love,
that i have neglected while my heart has been breaking for the past numerous months.
this may trigger anger in the individual i am referring to,
however why must i stay in a dark hole, continuing to pretend nothing is wrong,
when my entire life has been turned upside down.
But...
He is my strong tower,
shelter over me,
beautiful and mighty
everlasting King,
You are my strong tower,
fortress when i am weak,
Your name s true and holy,
and Your face is all i seek.
--Kutless.
i know i am going to struggle with having the strength to not contact this individual, because i so badly want to start anew and prove that i am a God-changed girl and that my forgiveness and willingness is REAL and that my heart is so remorseful for all i have done to make things go badly,
however, it has to be reciprocated and a heart can only be rejected to much.
they either love you. or they don't.
i don't know where my life will go from here. i know that i will still be crying and hurting for some time to come. for one of the first times in my life, i am physically and emotionally in a place, where i have to give EVERYTHING to God, relying on him for my every next move and decision,
because i am not able to walk forward without him by my side.
anything i have learned or confirmed? yes.
actions. speak. louder. than. words.
if you love someone. SHOW IT.
words are empty with no actions behind them.
especially if you are one that is all talk.
don't wast time being angry, bitter, resentful or prideful.
this will all only subtract valuable, precious time t
hat you could be spending loving one another
and living and enjoying life that could end in
the blink of an eye.
what if you woke up tomorrow and someone
you have put so much effort in to being angry, bitter
and mean to, was gone....
and you never took the opportunity to make things right.
i have also learned to -
trust in the Lord completely, and to not depend on my own knowledge. only His.
proverbs 3.5.
i love you all. those of you that have prayed for me and my heart, thank you with all my heart. x0x
ps - sorry for the longgggg rant. i pray in someway, this helps someone. x0x
ps - sorry for the longgggg rant. i pray in someway, this helps someone. x0x
